Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
