It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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