Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
