she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
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