i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
