when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
