Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
These tits shall not be calmed
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