I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
