As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
