the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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