Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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