dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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