Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
