M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
