so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
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