dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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