stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
