I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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