took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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