Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
