we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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