My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
