Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
