Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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