went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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