Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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