I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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