I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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