Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
