Sry I called you an 8
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
