When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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