Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
