I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
