I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My dick has a subreddit
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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