I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
