I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
