I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
