fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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