I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Randomize
