I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
