Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
