just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
