I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
