I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
