Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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