i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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