You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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