I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
