Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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