Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
