Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
