Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
