I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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